Being a Great Mom even if you’re NOT Perfect!
Being a great mom doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. In fact, being “perfect” may do more harm than good. You just have to be ‘good enough’ to qualify as a great mom. Here’s how you can do that…and why it’s actually EXACTLY what your child needs.’
Are you a ‘good mom’ or a ‘good enough mom’?
I was recently asked this question when I was included on a panel of parenting bloggers for this post about what kind of mother you are. I deliberated on what my answer would be, going back and forth, over and over.
Why was it so tough to answer that question!?
Weighing up the good and the bad. Remembering those times when I was calm and compassionate as my toddler threw her shoe at me in a rage. Or those nights when baby niggled and though you don’t feel like pulling off the warm covers, seeing that sweet little smile in the darkness tells you its all worth it. Yeah, I’m a pretty good mom.
But then, there was that once (ok, maybe not just once) that I completely lost it and yelled in my child’s face about something that at the time seemed so important. Or that once when I couldn’t bear another meltdown, so I just left her there wailing on the floor. Hmmm… maybe I’m not as good a mom as I thought.
How would you answer?
I think the problem is that we have so many ideas thrown at us constantly about what a ‘good mom’ is. In essence, we’re probably assuming that ‘good’ means ‘perfect’. And while most of us won’t say we’re bad moms (although there are many times we feel that way!), we would hesitate to call ourselves a “good” mom, let alone a “great mom”, in case anyone thought we meant we were perfect.
Ain’t nothing further from the truth right!?
What is a great mom?
So, is there a middle ground – some safe space between ‘awful’ and ‘perfect’ where we can parent from? Is there a way to be a great mom even if you’re not perfect? The concept of ‘good enough parenting’ is that middle ground.
Being a great mom even if you’re not perfect.
Donald Winnicot, a pediatrician and psychoanalyst, from back-in-the-day, coined the term and developed the theory around the concept of being a ‘good enough mom’.
Here are the basics of the theory: (You can read a really nice summary of Winnicot’s theory here.)
- The mother starts by being completely devoted to meeting the needs of her newborn baby. When he cries, she jumps up to comfort and sooth him.
At this stage, she is the “perfect mother” because to the baby, she is perfectly meeting his needs. - Over time, she allows him to experience a little tension or frustration. When he cries, she’s still cares and is empathetic, but she doesn’t immediately jump up to meet his needs. He has to wait a little, before she can get to him to sooth him.
At this stage, she is the “good enough mother” because to the baby, he knows she cares, he knows she’ll meet his needs, but she just can’t do it RIGHT NOW.
So, based on the theory, the ‘good enough mom’…
- is attentive and empathetic to her child’s needs.
- WILL meet those needs or help her child meet those needs for him- or herself.
- allows the child to experience some tension that comes from boundaries and delayed gratification.
When you’re ‘good enough’ you’re being a great mom.
It really comes down to these two things:
1) A great mom has her child’s best interests at heart.
You know what your child needs.
And even if they don’t believe it – you genuinely want what’s best for them.
That’s your task: Not just to keep them alive – though there are days that feels like a real accomplishment, right? – but to help them grow and develop into everything they were designed to be. So they can thrive in all areas of life.
2) A great mom creates a safe space for the child to experience life.
Creating a safe, secure space doesn’t mean padding everything with cotton-wool. It might be easier if we could protect them from all harm like that tiny newborn who depends 100% on us!
No. A safe, secure ‘space’ is one where a child knows their needs are heard and attended to. Where mom is available to assist – whether she will jump in and save the day immediately, or if she’ll give her child a few minutes to figure it out and try to solve the problem first. It’s about setting boundaries, even when those boundaries are uncomfortable. It’s establishing a safe environment for exploring and experiencing.
And by ‘environment’ and ‘space’ I mean, physically, but I also mean mentally and emotionally – Can your child make mistakes and know that you’ll be there for them? Can they explode in a temper tantrum and know Mom won’t abandon them?
Why being ‘good enough’ is exactly what your child needs.
Until now you may have thought that you needed to be the “perfect mom”. Like, the fact that you couldn’t meet your child’s every whim, immediately, somehow made you a bad mom.
Well, the truth is, being a ‘good enough mom’ is actually exactly what your child needs. (Even more so than if you were that “perfect” mom!)
Here’s why:
1) Knowing you have a caring, attentive, empathetic parent gives a child a sense of security and stability.
They know you are going to be there. Regardless of what they face, how much they struggle, no matter what awful thing they do. You will be there for them.
2) Experiencing a little tension and frustration is a reality.
Allowing your child to experience some difficulty when they’re trying to put on their shoes or building a school project or studying for their exams is important. This is life. And if we coach our children through those challenges and teach them how to cope with those feelings of discomfort, and overcome them, we are preparing our kiddos for life!
3) Delaying gratification is a normal part of life.
They want it all…they want it now. Ah the song of the toddler! (I’m pretty sure it’s also the song of the older child and the teen!) The reality is that we can’t always have what we want, when we want it. Delaying gratification gives your child something to work toward. It allows them to build their character and skills in the waiting.
4) Establishing boundaries could be one of the most important skills your child can develop.
Ironically, boundaries actually give people a greater sense of security and encourage children to explore more. Think about a child exploring all the way to the boundary-fence because they know they’ll be safe within that area.
This process starts by your child experiencing the discomfort of having boundaries set about them – having to adhere to rules, learning what they can and can’t do. Eventually, we can coach our children into setting their own boundaries. This is crucial in their interpersonal relationships and social interactions, in their school and work one day, and even in their own being (eg, knowing how much you can cope with and not overwhelming yourself).
5) Growing your child’s independence is your greatest goal.
When your littles are so tiny you could never imagine them being independent or “not needing you” anymore.
First, let me put your heart at rest – your children will ALWAYS need you, Momma!
But, there are going to be countless situations where Super-mom can’t just swoop in and save the day. And in those moments, our children need to be secure in their sense of self, in their values, in their ability to act. They need to be able to cope, and even thrive, on their own. We get to equip and prepare them for that day.
Am I being a great mom?
Got an answer to this question yet?
Is it THAT important to you?
The first way you can tell if you’re a great mom is in the fact that you even care!
Anne put it so beautifully in her part of the Good Mom interview series:
“People who aren’t good parents don’t worry about those things…if you’re trying your best, you’re doing a great job.” – Anne Aslanides from EasierMotherhood.com
Two questions to ask yourself
- Am I actively pursuing what is best for my child?
- Am I creating a safe, secure space (physical, mental and emotional) where my child can grow and develop as they should?
If your answer is YES, then Momma, you are doing an incredible job!
This is one of my favorite quotes and I love applying it to being a mom because this is what is required of us – not perfection!
(Don’t forget to pin this pic to your favorite quotes board on Pinterest.)
You’re the best Momma for your child.
Being a great mom is not as difficult as we imagine it. But it does mean we have to let go of our hang ups with being perfect. That’s really tough – I know!
But I love what Dr Hokehe said in her interview in the Good Mom series. As a pediatrician, this what she tells her patients’ mommies all the time:
“You are the best mommy for your child.” – Dr Hokehe Ebbiong (Pediatrician)
That’s what it comes down to, right!
Be the best Mom you can be for your child. Give yourself some grace and remember that you are preparing them for a healthy, happy, thriving life!
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